Broken yet holding on

Something's wrong. Something's terribly wrong. With me. And i don't know what it is. Limbo. That's the best way to describe my feelings. Feelings that i'm not even sure exists. I'm starting to lose my grip on what's real and what's not. I'm still me, but i've lost my mind and i don't know where it is.

I don't know if my dreams are dreams. If they are reality or not. I'm too afraid to sleep. I'm too scared. I'm scared to close my eyes for a long time. And my dreams. My dreams scare me. Nightmare? No. Nightmares require you to wake with your heart pumping abnormally. No, they aren't nightmares. In my dreams, i'm always there. I can see myself. I can see through my eyes. I can see people i know, dying. Screaming. In pain. Dying.

Sometimes they try to grab me. So many arms. Pulling and tugging me. Worst part? I can't move. I can wriggle out of their grip. But that's all i can do. It's too hard to leave. To run away from them. I'm pinned down and unable to run away. But when a chance showed itself, i remember running. I run and turn around to face them. They're burning. They're screaming in pain. Burning away. Worst part? I'm the fault.

But want to know the most scariest bit? I'm slowly losing myself. I took a whole day off of school. Doing what? I just stayed in my room and stared out the window. I didn't know what to do. Day by day i feel that i'm losing myself more. I don't know whats the real cause. My dreams? My feelings? My home life? My school life? My social life? Maybe all of them. They're becoming too hard to handle. I'm not as strong as i thought i was. But i can still hold on. Right?

All this waiting, to find out that i have to wait much longer. I feel too lost to respond.

I don't know what to do anymore.